No one ever thinks that the next everyday move you make will change their lives forever. That is what happened to me just a few years ago when I acquired the traumatic brain injury that led me to build this website. I built this website to possibly help someone who has been affected by a traumatic brain injury—to break through the spiritually crippling stigmas attached to neurological disorders and ultimately help someone else who has been affected by a traumatic brain injury with information and give them something to relate to . In doing this, this site would be incomplete without giving a voice to my story about my brain injury and my continuing journey to recover and move forward to the place in my life point where there are no limits.
(Most of the early post-accident parts of this story happened as I believed that I was in a dream and my mind was jumping from dream to dream. I’ll try to tell this story exactly how my mind experienced it)
The Accident
In February 2006, I was in my late twenties working as a Marketing Specialist for a web design company, called Mountain Media located in Saratoga Springs, New York. I was on my way home that evening after my after-work workout at the local gym, just blocks away from my apartment. I stood at the corner of an intersection, waiting for the traffic light to turn colors and halt the cars allowing me to cross the street. After a while the light turned. The cars were stopped at the red light, allowing me to run across. I ran across as fast as I could, almost making it across the street. Until . . .
I don’t remember the impact of the car as its impact that broke my right leg upon impact. I don't even remember seeing the car. I just remember the sound of the impact of my body on the car’s plastic/metal hood. I was only on the car for a few quick seconds until my body flew off the hood, sending me rolling onto the street, where I must have it my head.
Everything went black after that. I woke up lying in the street, wondering what happened. There was a kind woman at my side waiting there with me, trying to keep me calm—trying to keep me from getting up as she saw that I was bleeding from the head. After what seemed like a long time of waiting, lying there in the street, I saw an ambulance pull up with red flashing lights. They carefully placed me on a stretcher, and carried me into the back of the ambulance, all the while with me repeatedly pleading with them to tell me what happened.
While riding in the ambulance the paramedics tore and loosened my clothing (my jacket, my shirt watch and belt). One of them reached in my pocket and pulled out my cell phone. I knew right as soon as he put the phone to his ear, he was calling my family—my mother and father in Pennsylvania. I reached out to stop him and caught a glimpse of the legs of my jeans. I instantly panicked as I saw both pant legs were saturated in blood. They sedated me with an oxygen mask and instantly, I was out.
The out of Body Experience
The next thing I knew I was on a dark road walking toward me violet colored sunset. It was completely silent. I thought I was in some sort of dream. As I walked, I noticed a woman with long, lilac-colored hair kneeling by a body lying on the ground. As I approached her, she looked up at me with her pale face and violet –colored eyes. I said to her, “This is one of those dreams that I’m not going to wake up from.” She silently looked down at the body, whose face I couldn’t' see. Suddenly, I felt myself being pulled down toward the body.
The Hospital Experience
I was unconscious the entire time the paramedics flew me to the Albany Medical Center via helicopter in Albany, New York. The next thing I knew waking up on a surgical table, hearing a doctor ask about the results of a blood test that they had administered. (Later, after I woke up, I was later told) that to prevent swelling in my brain the doctors had to induce a coma to prevent my brain from swelling. The doctors as well, needed to remove a portion of my skull and place it in cold storage until it was assured that my brain had stopped swelling and wouldn't press into my skull, which would be fatal.
During all of these surgeries, my mind was struggling to wake up. I could hear doctors around me, talking about I wouldn’t be able to move the left side of my body (as the right side of my brain was injured.) I came out of the induced coma two or so days later, but didn’t fully wake up. I recognized people and responded to simple commands from the doctors as they got me to do things like lift my right arm to stimulate my brain. I was awake but not fully conscious. I remember coming to consciousness before another surgery, after overhearing the doctor shouting instructions about my right leg, and the fact that I was not to bare any weight on that leg The rest of the time, I felt I was in a dream, struggling to wake up, becoming more and more frustrated with each try.
The Rehab Center
Days later, I was transferred to the Sunny view rehabilitation center, a short distance away in Schenectady, New York, still in the same mental state. My first memory there was arriving one of their gurneys. Immediately, unsure of where I was or what was happening to me, I began to panic, instantly prompting a cadre of doctors and therapists to swarm around me. instinctively I began to throw punches with my left and right fists as the wheeled me into my room and laterplaced me onto my bed.
The next few weeks went by as a series of dreams I kept struggling to wake up from, with doctors and therapists introducing themselves to me and starting therapies that I had no idea the reason for. I saw my parents and barely responded to them because I believed that they were still in Pennsylvania, reinforcing the idea that I was still dreaming. I would have brief moments of anger and lucidity,but I would continually slip back into my mind. At times in my mind, I felt like I was trapped behind a force field (like you would see in a science fiction movie), and continually tried to punch my way through it. What I didn’t know was in reality, I was hitting the doctors and nurses as they came near me. Even when I got visits from friends, I still believed I was dreaming and began t crying out for for help in the hopes that someone near me as I slept would hear me and wake me from this surreal nightmare.
Finally one morning, I awakened to see my father sitting at the foot of my bed smiling, and I saw my mother at the side of my bed. Behind her on the wall was a calendar, the date read April 4th. My knowledge and memory of dream logic told me that a person’s dreams while they are sleeping come from the right side of the brain (the creative side) therefore, I wasn’t supposed to be able to read in dreams, as reading and reading comprehension is an activity theorized to be performed on the left side of the brain. Having realized that, I immediately accepted that I was awake and everything around me was real.
My parents and the doctors explained to me that I was struck by a car that ran a red light—a hit and run that left me on the side of the road, and that I suffered a traumatic brain injury, along with other injuries, Including a broken leg.
Because of my broken leg, I was unable to walk, and needed the use of a wheelchair to move around. Frustratingly enough, I couldn’t move my left arm sufficiently to power movement in my wheel chair. My eyes were maladjusted –both eyes pointing in different directions making it difficult to see. Even more difficult was the fact that there was a damaged nerve in my left eye, making it difficult to see anything to the left. The overwhelming notion of my injuries frustrated and saddened me. I was a writer and a graphic artist by trade. The fact that I was without manual dexterity and ability to see clearly seemed a lot like getting a death sentence. These were things I spent my whole life enjoying a and building a career around—writing creatively and developingmarketing literature as well as drawing, painting and computer-rendering images on the computer. I needed my hands, my eyes and my ability to think clearly. It frustrated me further that my eyes developed a strong sensitivity to light; so much so that I could see almost perfectly in total darkness.
Months later I was able to switch from using a wheelchair to using a walker. After months of physical, occupational and speech therapy along with another surgery on my skull to replace the bone fragment that was removed, I was further disappointed and heartbroken to realize that I had to sign over power of attorney and give legal guardianship to my parents who had been there with me the entire time, and return with them to Pennsylvania to recover from my injuries—another portion of my life that had been lost without any of my control. The second surgery on my head was successful and I subsequently returned to Pennsylvania.
The Long Road Ahead
Adjusting to my return to Pennsylvania was difficult. I was ripped away from a place that felt like home to me with no determination as to when I would be able to resume normal life. I still had to deal with many of the effects of my brain injury almost simultaneously. Watching my body change from the surgeries, medications and the accident was spiritually crippling. I didn’t appear to be the same person I was before my accident—the person I supposedly went to sleep. I faced many of the difficulties mentioned throughout this website. But I didn’t face them alone I had. the support of my family who constantly encouraged me to get better. I found that none of my skills were lost. I simply had to relearn them. I filled my days by exercising my mind (and eyes) through reading. I relieved stress and found a way of relearning how to walk correctly (as I had been off my feet for a very long time during my hospitalization) through making consistent physical exercise a part of my daily routine.
When I started out I saw many doctors on a monthly or weekly basis, but as my condition began to improve, the large variety of doctors and medications became unnecessary. I still see my eye doctor and neurologist regularly.
I began work on several creative projects, through freelance writing and graphic design, developing this website and drafting several creative manuscripts. I took classes to enhance my skills and prepare me for my targeted return to work. (Doing things like this taught me how to type again(as my manual dexterity had been severely impaired through my brain injury.) In this time I have spent working with my condition, my vision, coordination and speech has vastly improved. Years later, I still have many of the scars and marks on my head and body from the accident and the surgeries, but I have made a personal and defiant choice not to let them rule my life by hiding them in embarrassment. That is what I believe everyone should do. My life still is a daily internal struggle finding a way to reach my dreams. But I believe that if I stay determined enough and reach hard toward my goals, I’ll eventually touch something.
My Story
Drawing of my near-death experience
(Some things you never forget )
